I will be turning 50 in a week. I have mixed feelings about this birthday.
When I was in high school, I wanted to become a doctor in order to help others. I discovered that I freeze up under stress during college. A woman on my dorm floor attempted suicide by taking pills. I heard her vomiting in a stall in the bathroom and suggested some cold medicine. Then, I went to do more laundry and passed back by. This time someone was trying to get someone to help get the unconscious woman out of the bathroom. Did I help? No, I stood there and thought about how stupid I was. My brain was filled with self insults. I am too stupid to know what to do. Over the years, I have been in therapy and taking anti-depressants. Now, I can handle more stress before this happens. Yet, my brain still insults me when I get stressed. At work, my brain tells me that I am too stupid to do my job or they will think this about me. I try to argue with it as I have been trained to do in therapy. So, I am working a factory job that is low stress. I wish I could be doing a job that involves helping people but stress pushes me to obsess about what others think about me especially if they are authority figures.
On the other side, I am excited that I have lived almost a half century. I believe that I have encouraged some people with this blog and other writings. I suspect that my painted rocks have made a few people smile when they found them.
“I have enjoyed greatly the second blooming that comes when you finish the life of the emotions and of personal relations; and suddenly find – at the age of fifty, say – that a whole new life has opened before you, filled with things you can think about, study, or read about…It is as if a fresh sap of ideas and thoughts was rising in you.” Agatha Christie
This quote reminds me of how curious I am about things. I recently discovered that the French helped immensely in the US revolution. We probably would not have won if it wasn’t for the French. I knew that the French was involved because of the Statue of Liberty. But, I never knew what roll they had in the war.
What will I discover next?
What will you learn or discover today?