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Half a century of life

I will be turning 50 in a week. I have mixed feelings about this birthday.

When I was in high school, I wanted to become a doctor in order to help others. I discovered that I freeze up under stress during college. A woman on my dorm floor attempted suicide by taking pills. I heard her vomiting in a stall in the bathroom and suggested some cold medicine. Then, I went to do more laundry and passed back by. This time someone was trying to get someone to help get the unconscious woman out of the bathroom. Did I help? No, I stood there and thought about how stupid I was. My brain was filled with self insults. I am too stupid to know what to do. Over the years, I have been in therapy and taking anti-depressants. Now, I can handle more stress before this happens. Yet, my brain still insults me when I get stressed. At work, my brain tells me that I am too stupid to do my job or they will think this about me. I try to argue with it as I have been trained to do in therapy. So, I am working a factory job that is low stress. I wish I could be doing a job that involves helping people but stress pushes me to obsess about what others think about me especially if they are authority figures.

On the other side, I am excited that I have lived almost a half century. I believe that I have encouraged some people with this blog and other writings. I suspect that my painted rocks have made a few people smile when they found them.

“I have enjoyed greatly the second blooming that comes when you finish the life of the emotions and of personal relations; and suddenly find – at the age of fifty, say – that a whole new life has opened before you, filled with things you can think about, study, or read about…It is as if a fresh sap of ideas and thoughts was rising in you.” Agatha Christie

This quote reminds me of how curious I am about things. I recently discovered that the French helped immensely in the US revolution. We probably would not have won if it wasn’t for the French. I knew that the French was involved because of the Statue of Liberty. But, I never knew what roll they had in the war.

What will I discover next?

What will you learn or discover today?

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Thanksgiving for the world’s support

Waukesha Christmas parade tragedy. What comes to your mind when you read those words?

At first, it makes me think of my night of praying while looking towards Main Street. Listening to a police scanner app on my phone while doing dishes. Wondering Main Street and seeing colored markings on the road and a bunch of press people.

Now, the words make me think of additional memories. News stories of people sheltering in local businesses. People from ALL fifty states donating to the victim’s fund. Pictures of long lines at fund raisers. Encouraging messages in the Waukesha Strong Facebook group from people living in other states and countries. Painted rocks sent to Waukesha A crowd of Waukesha residents singing “Lean on Me” at Cutler Park by the library. The crowd singing “Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer” five minutes before this year’s Christmas parade. The beautiful ornaments that people designed and made to help fund raise for the victims and now the memorial.

Crowd singing at our parade.
This rock was sent to Waukesha from a lady living in New Jersey.

While I am not thankful that the tragedy happened, I am grateful for the amazing response from my fellow Waukesha residents, Americans and citizens of other countries. Thank you for your support. I am so overwhelmed by the amazing response. I thought people would forget us a few weeks afterwards.

“What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity. These are but trifles, to be sure; but scattered along life’s pathway, the good they do is inconceivable.” Joseph Addison

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Watch “Listening hearts.online” on YouTube

I have a play list on YouTube that contains videos that I think you might find interesting.

East Idaho news gives always Christmas gifts to deserving recipients. They post collections of the gift giving and individual videos if you prefer. They share parts of why the nominator notified the news station of why they are a worthy recipient.

Others will have advice on living life with a mental health issue.

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Lean on Me: Waukesha Strong

I attended my city’s one year anniversary gathering for the Waukesha Christmas parade tragedy on November 21, 2022. The video starts with no sound but has sound later. At the end, an artist sand “Lean on Me.” She invited us to sing along.

I decided to paint some rocks with the words “Lean on Me” and “Waukesha Strong.”

I planned to leave them along the route for our Christmas parade. I have left my 15 rocks along our parade route. I also put some sidewalk chalk messages out for people to see. It is my prayer that this will encourage someone in my community.

While I was placing my painted rocks, I found someone else’s rock.

I posted pictures of this rock on the Waukesha County Rocks group that I am a member. The artist is not from Waukesha. She is from New Jersey and sent them to Waukesha as her way to send kindness into our city. Then, a local hid them.

This is one example of people outside of the state or country reaching out to my community. I have read that people sent donations to my community’s victim fund. Judge Dorow received fan mail from all over. I joined a Facebook group called “Waukesha Strong” and assumed that it would contain only Waukesha or Wisconsin residents. But, I was surprised to see empathetic statements from all over the country and world. TMJ4 has been airing Waukesha events such as our parade and the one year anniversary ceremony. The comments of support showed up there too. Thank you to all who have expressed for my community. I am so shocked and overwhelmed by the support.

I hope the people who lost someone or was present at the parade last year feels this massive outpouring of support.

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One year anniversary of the Waukesha Christmas parade tragedy

Christmas parade memorial mural in downtown Waukesha

With the one year anniversary of the Waukesha Christmas parade tragedy, I have been thinking a lot about that day, the Brooks trial and the past year.

I took a picture of the new mural. It has six butterflies and six flowers for the number of people who died on or after November 21, 2021 due to this event. The city has scheduled an anniversary event on November 21st at Veterans Park at 4:39 PM. They are also working on a parade memorial for Grede Park and Main Street.

I have decided to remember the event by painting the back of my Star of Hope with a new design. I hope to bring it to our Christmas parade in December. I am also working on a collection of rocks to put out around downtown Waukesha. I saw some others on Facebook who are planning on placing painted rocks too.

What are you planning on doing to remember the pain that we all here in Waukesha city have experienced? How is your recovery coming along?

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Happy Halloween!

I have a new collection of rocks to put out this weekend.

Halloween rocks

I hope these makes some people in Waukesha have a happier day soon.

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Two interesting articles

I found two interesting articles. The first one is a study about how much free time each day that a person has and how it impacts the person’s happy. The article ends with a list of pleasure producing activities such as gratitude.

The second article is a list of things to be thankful for. Some are simple like sunshine. So, I suspect you will find something in it to be thankful for.

Do you know of any interesting articles that you’d like share with me and my tiny handful of readers? Please share.

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Oops Rocks

I enjoy painting rocks in the hope of encouraging others. But, sometimes I mess up. My most recent rock was cute until I sprayed it with the protective coating. The design smeared really badly.

Now, I am wondering what to do with this rock. Will the finder see it as ugly? Could it remind them not to give up after making a big mistake? I wonder If I should keep it instead.

I decided to leave it by a tree sapling near the hospital. I hope someone enjoys it even with the runny message.

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Live On Purpose by Sadie Robertson Huff

I just finished reading this devotional book. Here are some quotes and my thoughts.

“Lord Jesus, show me Your love in the midst of my biggest fears, and give me the courage to risk doing what I am afraid of. Amen”

Guess what I have never done. I have never asked for a pay raise. I hate asking anyone for anything because I fear being rejected. I especially avoid asking an authority figure for things.

“On any given day, you may be super stressed and really want to take a break from everything. But please know that you’re worth a lot more than your feelings will tell you. One day – no matter how rough it is – does not define your life. Your purpose and calling give you an important place in the world. Do not give up. Hold tight to God. There is so much more joy to come and so many people counting on you to keep going. (Pg. 115)

My brain loves to lie to me in this way. I think cognitive behavioral therapy calls this catastrophizing. One or two things go wrong such as a fight with a family member. Then, I start thinking that I can’t get along with anyone. The memories of a lifetime of arguments swirl in my head. Yet, it is impossible for me or anyone to argue all the time. While I sometimes argue in my dreams and wake up angry, I know that I rarely argue at work.

“There are hundreds of comments saying that I sound annoying when I talk. Do these things hurt me? Sure. Because I’m human, and sometimes the comments sting. But I don’t let those little stings stop me from doing what I love to do and from using my voice in the spaces where God opens doors for me to speak. (Pg. 117)”

“Lord, knowing that everybody fails doesn’t make it any easier. So I pray that You would give me the courage to keep doing what You want me to do – even if it means getting roasted. I pray Your voice would be louder than the hate. Amen. (Pg. 117)”

I fear confrontation and worry about what others will think of me. Will they think I am too stupid to do my job? I sometimes think this when I get corrected on how to do something two or three times in an hour. The knowledge that I am learning a new job helps to reduce the thought’s volume and impact until the next correction. I have been at the new job for over two months and have already cried twice. I discovered that I am sensitive about my hand writing. Yet, it is readable.

“The Lord wants to help us strengthen our faith. He understands it’s hard to believe sometimes. So if you’re struggling with faith, I encourage you to ask God to give you the faith to believe. You can also pray that He will give you the strength that you need or that He’ll help you believe that you are loved and that you are enough. Or maybe it goes deeper and you need to ask Him for the faith to believe that your life matters and your breath has purpose. That’s not too far out to ask God for. That’s not too crazy to pray for. It’s exactly what God wants you to do. (Pg. 161)

This quote reminds me of when I was deep in a depression episode. I was praying for strength to get through the work day every morning. By the end of the day, my rational thinking part of my brain was too tired to keep up the fight against the negative thinking side of my brain. It is amazing how much work it is to fight your own brain. I’d just stare at walls or cry due to insufficient mental energy to keep up the fight. Thanks to therapy, medication and God, this time ended. I hope I don’t experience another episode.

“Lord, give me the courage to not let feeling awkward or foolish keep me from using the gifts You have given me. I humble myself to exalt Your name. Amen. (Pg. 199)

God, give me strength and wisdom to serve you and my fellow man through this blog. Amen

I believe that God gave me the gifts of compassion and writing.