Before I started school, my mom divorced my dad. A few years later, my mom married my step-father. While he loved me, he mistreated me. He yelled at me.
I blamed myself for his behavior. I thought that I had made him lose his temper. I suspect that sounds very familiar to some of you. It took me a long time to realize that he mistreated me.
My classmates picked on me too. Here are a few snippets of that.
Notes that say things like “Satan has his eyes on you.”
One time, a boy was throwing peaches at me during lunch. I ended up throwing away the food that the peach landed in.
I spent a lot of my recesses standing next to the teacher with my best friend, A.
One time a workbook disappeared from my desk and re-appeared at the end of the school year. I had to buy a new one.
At college, I feared that I was too stupid to go to college. Good grades weren’t enough evidence to disprove this belief. This was the first time that I saw a psychologist (diagnosis: dysthymic disorder)
My first depressive episode included fearing monsters coming out of my shower drain. I knew that the monsters were not real but couldn’t get rid of the thinking. I have wondered if this thinking was psychotic features that can be found in depression. The psychiatrist dodged this question. I never had the guts to ask my therapist though. Gross images of me having stabbed my cat also popped into my mind.
Sometimes, I sat on the couch without moving. “Move, T.” I would blink my eyeballs. “There I moved.” During these moments, my heart rate seemed to be very fast and my mind seemed to be thinking really hard. But I wasn’t aware of any deep thoughts.
During my first depressive episode, I started taking anti-depressants. I still remember when my therapist said that maybe I had broken my brain.
I wish I could say that I am all better now. But, recovery doesn’t work that way. I feel perfectly normal and happy some days. While I feel overwhelmed on other days.