I watched a video by Lauren of the Living with Schizophrenia YouTube channel. She shared her most recent hospital stay due to schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder. Since I had thought about going into the hospital for my sleeping problem cause by depression, I was very interested to learn more about what it could have been like. While I could go to sleep just fine, I’d wake up way to early every morning. Then, I couldn’t go back to sleep except rarely. My brain would just start talking nonsense to me and I couldn’t get it to make sense. So, I started working with my employee assistance program in order to get therapy. One office that I called offered hospitalization when they heard me describing the sleeping problem and me desperate need for therapy. I know that my voice had become flat too. It sounded tempting almost like it would free me from some of my stress but I said, “No.” She sounds so honest about the struggle in the ER to get treatment. In a previous video, she showed her hospital room which looked okay to me. So, the video made me feel like hospitalization is more of a option if I ever need it.
Her description of her delusional thinking reminded me of a conversation that I had with my psychiatrist once. I told him that I was having odd thoughts of monsters coming out of my shower drain. I knew that the thinking was untrue but the thinking and feeling of a presence was very strong. I thought that I was losing my mind. The thoughts would pop at weird moments mostly at night. Sometimes, I’d feel the presence while washing my hands with my back to the shower. It is the memory of these thoughts that make me scared to go off my antidepressants.
Please watch this lady’s video if you are considering hospitalization for a mental health issues.
I just finished reading this devotional book. Here are some quotes and my thoughts.
“Lord Jesus, show me Your love in the midst of my biggest fears, and give me the courage to risk doing what I am afraid of. Amen”
Guess what I have never done. I have never asked for a pay raise. I hate asking anyone for anything because I fear being rejected. I especially avoid asking an authority figure for things.
“On any given day, you may be super stressed and really want to take a break from everything. But please know that you’re worth a lot more than your feelings will tell you. One day – no matter how rough it is – does not define your life. Your purpose and calling give you an important place in the world. Do not give up. Hold tight to God. There is so much more joy to come and so many people counting on you to keep going. (Pg. 115)
My brain loves to lie to me in this way. I think cognitive behavioral therapy calls this catastrophizing. One or two things go wrong such as a fight with a family member. Then, I start thinking that I can’t get along with anyone. The memories of a lifetime of arguments swirl in my head. Yet, it is impossible for me or anyone to argue all the time. While I sometimes argue in my dreams and wake up angry, I know that I rarely argue at work.
“There are hundreds of comments saying that I sound annoying when I talk. Do these things hurt me? Sure. Because I’m human, and sometimes the comments sting. But I don’t let those little stings stop me from doing what I love to do and from using my voice in the spaces where God opens doors for me to speak. (Pg. 117)”
“Lord, knowing that everybody fails doesn’t make it any easier. So I pray that You would give me the courage to keep doing what You want me to do – even if it means getting roasted. I pray Your voice would be louder than the hate. Amen. (Pg. 117)”
I fear confrontation and worry about what others will think of me. Will they think I am too stupid to do my job? I sometimes think this when I get corrected on how to do something two or three times in an hour. The knowledge that I am learning a new job helps to reduce the thought’s volume and impact until the next correction. I have been at the new job for over two months and have already cried twice. I discovered that I am sensitive about my hand writing. Yet, it is readable.
“The Lord wants to help us strengthen our faith. He understands it’s hard to believe sometimes. So if you’re struggling with faith, I encourage you to ask God to give you the faith to believe. You can also pray that He will give you the strength that you need or that He’ll help you believe that you are loved and that you are enough. Or maybe it goes deeper and you need to ask Him for the faith to believe that your life matters and your breath has purpose. That’s not too far out to ask God for. That’s not too crazy to pray for. It’s exactly what God wants you to do. (Pg. 161)
This quote reminds me of when I was deep in a depression episode. I was praying for strength to get through the work day every morning. By the end of the day, my rational thinking part of my brain was too tired to keep up the fight against the negative thinking side of my brain. It is amazing how much work it is to fight your own brain. I’d just stare at walls or cry due to insufficient mental energy to keep up the fight. Thanks to therapy, medication and God, this time ended. I hope I don’t experience another episode.
“Lord, give me the courage to not let feeling awkward or foolish keep me from using the gifts You have given me. I humble myself to exalt Your name. Amen. (Pg. 199)
God, give me strength and wisdom to serve you and my fellow man through this blog. Amen
I believe that God gave me the gifts of compassion and writing.
Buzz Aldrin went into outer space and visited the moon. This is such an amazing achievement for him and mankind. Yet he struggled with depression and alcoholism. Here is an article about his life and struggles. He shared his struggles in an interview too.
This story reminds me of a Elijah (1 Kings chapter 18 and 19). He challenged the prophets of Baal to a challenge. He had them set up two altars with sacrificed bulls. He had Baals’ prophets pray for their god to burn the sacrificed bull up. Nothing happened. (Crickets sounds playing here) Then, he has the people pour water three times on the altar for our God. The water filled the trench around the altar. I suspect the wood and sacrifice was dripping wet. Then, he alone began to pray to God. “Then, the fire of the LORD fell and consumed the burnt sacrifice, and the wood and the stones and the dust, and it licked up the water that was in the trench (1 Kings 18:38).” Then, the people believed. A little later, Elijah prayed for rain causing a drought to end. This had to be a high point in his life like when Buzz Aldrin walked on the moon.
But, Elijah ran into death threats and found himself depressed. Buzz Aldrin developed depression and a substance disorder. Sometimes a great experience can lead to a stumble when things get tough again.
Charles Surgeon was a famous English Baptist preacher. He preached at Metropolitan Tabernacle, founded Spurgeon’s College and started the Stockwell Orphanage. (1)
In 1856, a mass casualty event happened to him as he preached. He was preaching at Surrey Gardens Music Hall in London. The building was filled to overflowing. As he finished a prayer, a person in the crowd shouted, “Fire. The galleries are giving way!” Seven people died in the stampede while 28 we’re injured enough to be in critical condition. He struggled with this experience for a long time afterwards. (2)
Here are some quotes from Spurgeon about his experience of depression and other things.
1. I am the subject of depression so fearful that I hope none of you ever get to such extremes of wretchedness as I go to. But I always get back again by this—I know that I trust Christ. I have no reliance but in him, and if he falls, I shall fall with him. But if he does not, I shall not. I was amazed by how much depression effects every part of my life. I had trouble sleeping, very terrible attention span and crying all of the time. I hung on to Christ and begged for the strength to get through each day.
2. I often feel very grateful to God that I have undergone fearful depression. I know the borders of despair and the horrible brink of that gulf of darkness into which my feet have almost gone. But hundreds of times I have been able to give a helpful grip to brethren and sisters who have come into that same condition, which grip I could never have given if I had not known their deep despondency. This reminds me of the phrase “blessed to be a blessing.” Sometimes, God allows us to experience suffering so that we may reach out to others in similar circumstances.
Our sorrows are all, like ourselves, mortal…They come, but blessed be God, they also go. We suffer today, but we shall rejoice tomorrow. This quote is similar to the line from alcoholics anonymous which says “This too shall pass.” So, this is a great reminder that no matter how bad something is, it will end.
There is no learning sympathy except by suffering. It cannot be studied from a book, it must be written on the heart. I would much rather learn something from a book than through suffering. Yet, God uses our experiences to teach and prepare us for the future. Always work to learn from your mistakes and experiences. Please understand, I am not saying that God is beating you up to teach you something. I am saying that He will find a way to use that horrible experience without being the one to cause it.
Our infirmities become the black velvet on which the diamond of God’s love glitters all the more brightly.
I believe the holier a man becomes, the more he mourns over the unholiness which remains in him.
There is no secret of my heart which I would not pour into [the Lord’s] ear. There is no wish that might be deemed foolish or ambitious by others, which I would not communicate to him. God is a great listener. Maybe God’s choice not to speak to me much makes it easier to pour my heart out to him. It also helps that I know that He desires this.
Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow-only today of its strength.”
I am an avid reader of self-help books. I recommend that you check and see if the author is a professional in the field such as a psychiatrist, therapist or workshop leader. Also, keep in mind that the strategies in the book are suggestions. Try them out and don’t kick yourself if they don’t work for you. I think God gave us a brain which allows us to observe and study what works for others.
1. The Feeling Good Handbook. I have read this book a couple of times through. If you have had a therapist use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) with you, then this book will be very familiar to you. I think a psychologist from my college days introduced this book to me as part of my therapy with him. He shares a variety of thinking techniques for dealing with depression and anxiety. Dr. Burns shares a list of thoughts that a person can use to monitor his/her thinking. Then he shares a variety of thinking techniques that a person can use to correct his/her thinking. Any book by Dr. David D Burns is a great read that will give you a lot of techniques to try out.
2. Self-Assertion for Women. This book is by Pamela E. Butler and contains a discussion of why it is harder for women than men to be assertive in relating to others. You may find this book dated but it has some good ideas on how to practice self-assertion. This book offers a variety of ways to speak up for one’s self or the option of not speaking up. It really should be something that you can choose whether or not to speak up for yourself rather than allowing your past to make the decision for you.
3. Your Perfect Right. This book by Robert E. Alberti, Ph.D. and Michael L. Emmons, Ph.D. teaches that everyone has a right to be heard. I really appreciated the authors’ willingness to recommend counseling if the reader felt the need for it. This book also shares how to express one’s feelings to others. I don’t think many people think of that as assertiveness but it is.
4. When Words are Not Enough. This book helped me to see my need for medication and better understand my depression better. Here is a quote that blew me away because it described my sleeping problems. “The classic depressive sleep pattern is called early morning wakening, characterized by waking somewhere between 2 or 3 am and 5 am, usually without falling back to sleep.” That is an exact description of the sleep pattern that I had during my depression.
5. Beyond Codependency and Codependents’ Guide to the Twelve Steps by Melody Beattie. She writes about the struggles that people who are close to a person who is addicted goes through. Just as an addict needs to go get help from others, many times the loved ones of that addict needs help too. They have adapted their behaviors to live with the addict. So, now they need to re-learn how to relate to the addict in recovery and others. Any book from Hazelden is a great book to read.
“But it isn’t our job to take care of others-to take care of their feelings, thoughts, decisions, growth, and responsibilities. It is our job to do that for ourselves.” (Codependents’ Guide to the Twelve Steps, Pg. 24) Since I blamed myself for when my step-father got mad at me, this quote earned an underline in my copy of this book. “When I feel deprived, unloved, uncared for, abandoned, and left out of life, I can practice gratitude. ” (Codependents’ Guide to the Twelve Steps, pg. 51)
6. Narcotics Anonymous. I have read the Alcoholics Anonymous book (The big book) and this one. I felt like the AA book was kind of harsh in how it dealt with addiction. I found this book to be gentler. So, I prefer it. Since these books are based on the twelve steps, they focus a lot on a higher power like the books that I named in the previous paragraph.
