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I wrote goals in 2020 and 2021. Then Covid-19 came to town. I tossed out all of 2020’s goals and replaced them with a goal to stay sane. In 2021, I had a work goal to learn new skills including soldering. But, my employer never resumed training due to Covid-19. Now, I don’t think Covid-19 will end in 2022. I believe that the pandemic will last all year.

This year I have a list of goals. Some are very vague such as get a new job due to my upcoming lay off. Yet, others are more detailed such as my plan to post two times a week on this website. Thursdays will be thanksgiving Thursdays while Fridays will be feel good Friday. Once a month, I will share quotes from a book that I have read. The book may be a Bible study book, Christian non-fiction or a self-help book.

My sister C started posting monthly goals on Facebook. She has been doing a few years. I started sharing monthly goals with her. I find that the yearly goals can guide my monthly goals. I think this idea can help you and me to be more flexible as our world keeps rapidly changing. It is also easier to wrap my mind around a month rather than a year.

What are your goals for the year? What books do you plan to read?

On November 21st, a man drove a red SUV into people marching in our Christmas parade. Six people died because of this action. Here are a collection of pictures of my community’s response to this tragedy.

At first, main street where this took place had press everywhere.

While looking at the press along the street, I noticed and orange marks on the street. I suspected they were evidence markings.

As time went by, items began showing up at Veteran’s Park where the city invited people to leave memorial items.

Local businesses began posting messages of support.

The Christmas parade memorial was decommissioned and put into storage earlier this week (Wednesday morning). Now a few more items have appeared.

Usually, I feel hope for the new year. But, this year I don’t feel any hope or excitement for the new year. Pandemic is continuing while I wait for Covid-19 test results just like I did in January 2021. My nation, USA, feels more divided than ever. My employer will be laying me off in February or March. I am still waiting for my official 60 day notice as required by Wisconsin.

So, I am reminding myself that Jesus will be my shepherd just like he has done in the past. My family, friends and church will be there for me too if I reach out and ask. (I struggle with this part.)

Make Your Bed: Little Things That Can Change Your Life…And Maybe The World is by Admiral William H. McRaven. He wrote the book as an expansion on a speech given to the graduating class of 2014 at the University of Texas.

“They all understood that life is hard and that sometimes there is a little you can do to affect the outcome of your day. In battle soldiers die, families grieve, your days are long and filled with anxious moments. You search for something that can give you solace, that can motivate you to begin your day, that can be a sense of pride in an oftentimes ugly world. (Pg 9)’

A great many therapists will suggest selecting one small thing that can make your life better. My city, Waukesha,Wisconsin, had six people die due to a man driving a red SUV into our Christmas parade. I want to help but can’t donate blood since I gave on the eighteenth. I am concerned about my upcoming layoff which is limiting my willingness to donate money. Yet, I love painting rocks. While I am not any good at it, I made six rocks. One for each victim as my way of mourning their deaths and the changes to parade preparations.

What is one simple thing you can do to make your life or community better?

“It is easy to blame your lot in life on some outside force, to stop trying because you believe fate is against you. It is easy to think that where you were raised, how your parents treated you, or what school you went to is all that determines your future. Nothing could be further than the truth. The common people and the great men and women are all defined by how they deal with life’s unfairness; Helen Keller, Nelson Mandela, Stephen Hawking, Malala Yousafzai and Moki Martin (pg. 42.)”

Our past can add challenges to our endeavor to succeed in life, it can’t keep us from success. Sometimes, we have to change our goals in response to our limitations.

I dreamed of becoming a doctor when I was in high school and college. Then I learned that I freeze in emergency situations. I am now hoping I can find a way to help others through this blog. My desire to help others was my main reason for wanting to be a doctor. Now, it is my main reason for blogging and praying for others.

What are your dreams? If they are not reachable, what are your top three reasons for wanting this dream? Is there another goal that can help you to achieve this desire?

“Life is a struggle and the potential for failure is ever present, but those who live in fear of failure, or hardship, or embarrassment will never achieve their potential. Without pushing your limits, without occasionally sliding down the rope headfirst, without daring greatly you will never know what is truly possible in life. (Pg.63)”

I am not a risk taker. Yet, I am risking a failure in my writing and blogging dream by having this blog. Why? I know that if I don’t try I will always wonder if I could have succeeded.

What is one thing that you can do to work on a goal or dream?

In March of 2020, my employer gave us essential employee letters to carry with us as we commuted to and from work. My mom worked at Walmart while my sister worked in a tax office. I learned that we are all essential to each other, our communities, families and friends regardless of our jobs.

As the pandemic continued, I discovered a fear of hurting people by breathing near them. Sometimes, I would hold my breath when I came close to people. I realized that my fear of driving is because of my fear of scaring, hurting or killing another person. Driving is probably the situation where this most likely.

In January 2021, I had Covid-19. The fear of hurting someone became much stronger. During the ten day self isolation, I waited until my local businesses closed for the night and slipped out to drop my rent check in the mail drop box and retrieve some toilet paper from my car trunk. As I was entering the parking garage, I heard a human. Yes, that is how my brain registered it. I froze in fear for a few seconds but never saw anyone. I managed to return home without seeing a person. Afterwards, I found myself wondering what I would have done it I has seen someone. Run away probably while crying. Would I have said COVID positive? I have no idea. That fear of breathing near others came up at work and the parking garage. I joked to myself that it was PTSD like. I learned how strong my fear can be and my need to be around people. I now enjoy sitting where I can hear people laughing and talking. I never used to do that. I am an introvert who loves to stay home alone but not for ten days.

On the last day of self isolation, I had to cancel an eye surgeon appointment. When I went to the re-scheduled appointment, I complained about having to cancel in order to finish the self isolation. The lady checking temperatures thanked me for doing that. In my head, I replied that it had nothing to do with her. Then, I mentally listed my neighbors, co-workers and those I might have come into contact with as people I was protecting from me. Then, I realized that she was probably in that last group. I still remember her words. This reinforced my belief that words matter.

In April and May, I received the Pfizer vaccine. The first dose made me tired and chilly while at work. The second dose made me dizzy for a day. The second day, I felt off for a day. In December, I got a booster shot and slept the next day away. The dizziness discouraged me from wanting to move around my two room apartment.

Everyone of us has made sacrifices to help others such as staying home while infected, quarantining, vaccines and wearing masks. Thank you to every person who has helped in the medical community and others who have made these sacrifices.

What have you sacrificed to help others during this pandemic? What have you learned from this pandemic?

Before I started school, my mom divorced my dad. A few years later, my mom married my step-father. While he loved me, he mistreated me. He yelled at me.

I blamed myself for his behavior. I thought that I had made him lose his temper. I suspect that sounds very familiar to some of you. It took me a long time to realize that he mistreated me.

My classmates picked on me too. Here are a few snippets of that.

Notes that say things like “Satan has his eyes on you.”

One time, a boy was throwing peaches at me during lunch. I ended up throwing away the food that the peach landed in.

I spent a lot of my recesses standing next to the teacher with my best friend, A.

One time a workbook disappeared from my desk and re-appeared at the end of the school year. I had to buy a new one.

At college, I feared that I was too stupid to go to college. Good grades weren’t enough evidence to disprove this belief. This was the first time that I saw a psychologist (diagnosis: dysthymic disorder)

My first depressive episode included fearing monsters coming out of my shower drain. I knew that the monsters were not real but couldn’t get rid of the thinking. I have wondered if this thinking was psychotic features that can be found in depression. The psychiatrist dodged this question. I never had the guts to ask my therapist though.  Gross images of me having stabbed my cat also popped into my mind.

Sometimes, I sat on the couch without moving. “Move, T.” I would blink my eyeballs. “There I moved.” During these moments, my heart rate seemed to be very fast and my mind seemed to be thinking really hard. But I wasn’t aware of any deep thoughts.

During my first depressive episode, I started taking anti-depressants. I still remember when my therapist said that maybe I had broken my brain.

I wish I could say that I am all better now. But, recovery doesn’t work that way. I feel perfectly normal and happy some days. While I feel overwhelmed on other days.